Apotheosis

Q: What have you been doing this…decade?
A: Alchemizing

The past does not exist. I exist. Survival is metamorphosis.

The sacrilege of apotheosis
again and again, I died for this
Survival is metamorphosis
Sleeping in reveries like Titania 
Yes I was sunrise
Refracting like the ephemerals of light 
Apotheosis I died for this 
Annihilation by the rival—
Oblivion, the achievement! of Exile!
Wounded the sun sank into fire
Annihilation in the sheared gardens of Edens
Spare me autumn
Spare me storm of Oblivion
All languages segregated from Heaven
Dying in the crucible of sunrise
Dying by a guillotine of light
I was small standing before the stations of the surviving stars 
and then the darkness commanded me to fall 
I was small standing before the stations of apocalypse ash 
and then the darkness commanded me to collapse 
I said Herr Madonna and the dream lapsed 
Ornament of creation like Madonna the storm-oracle
Abyss of Elysium, what a waste—the flesh!
I the riven trafficked by dark dawns 
And then I was gone in the decadence of Babylon 
I was dynamite in the abyss
I was a hymn in the silence
Voiceless the drowned 
who am I in the reaching dark
who am I that you say thou art 
heartbreak dawn, who am I to ache? 
the dialect of midnight, who am I to wake? 

I did not much care for politics because I was obsessed my two conditions of being in love with everyone and in love with no one and those were my eternal possessions 
I wanted devastatingly 
Wanting was creation to me 
Desire burned like devastation in me 
Desire lived like desolation in me 
Briberies in the midnights
Maybe it was a maelstrom that remembered me surviving delight
Ruin--it was rising 
The darkness made ingress I pronounced its holiness  
There were teeth in my flesh yes I called it success  
The bribery of night I surrendered to delight 
Wayward our thrashing heartbeats
Wayward we went
After desire brought us to our knees
Ruin--it was rising
Ruin--it was surviving 
The darkness has flesh I pronounced its holiness
Consuming it twice
Once for love
Once for appetite

I feel embarrassed to admit to two suicide attempts in my twenties— it makes me sound like I'm bad at suicide
Babylon roulette 
I wanted to know if creation wants me dead
The universe after its first shattering
Like the glassed devastations
I was outlasting as the riddles
Of the sphinx 
God
I must forget 
so that I am forgotten   
It’s too late like the born beasts of Bethlehem
I am the darkness awakening 
It's too late like the beasts of Bethlehem
I rose in the apocalypse with the past selves I chose 
It's too late like the beasts of Bethlehem 
Burning in kerosene I was born to die  
Beware the leviathan was arriving 
Ruin—it was rising
Ruin—it was surviving 
Like the born beasts of Bethlehem
I was the darkness outlasting 
what a sacrilege is survival 
I saw slumbering beasts of Bethlehem drawing their claws
Into their feast I went 
And into their Judas feast 
I pronounced their fall
The sacrilege of apotheosis
again and again, I died for this
Survival is metamorphosis
The fragility like snakes of paradise annihilation 
Yes I whispered I was the darkness awakened into paradise 
I dreamed up many heavens  I surrendered to rest in eternity 
Like Titania sleeping in love reveries 
I was terrified of freedom 
The fragility of quaking sunrise
I was refracting as ephemerals of light 
Apotheosis I died for this 
Annihilation by the rival—
Oblivion, the achievement! of Exile!
Annihilation by the rival
Desire in the ribs of Genesis, I witnessed 
the Reaper rising from the dirt of Earth
the fury! it was sepulcher church
it was sunrise in the abyss to me 
Oblivion, the achievement of desire 
I witnessed the dark awakening 
Katabasis I named it after myself 
It was worship in the void to me 
Symphony in the abyss 
Wounded the sun sank into hills of fire
and I witnessed 
Annihilations in the sheared gardens
Eden even void was expiring 
Feverish I lived in pursuit of extinction
In the pastures of dark heaven feasting on need 
I was the apocalypse awakened 
I was the darkness adumbrated 
Spare me autumn
Spare me storm of Oblivion
Outlasting eight creations dawn 
Outlasting plague creations from god
Languages segregated from Heaven
Dying in the crucible of sunrise
Dying by a guillotine of light
We beasts awakened into awareness 
I was small standing before the stations of the surviving stars 
and then the darkness commanded me to fall 
I was small standing before the stations of apocalypse ash 
and then the darkness commanded me to collapse 
Like the wilds I was surviving fire after fire in an apocalypse of flames 
And then the darkness commanded me to outlast 
Yes I was in atonement
but whose god was it dreaming of me liberated 
The autumn supermoons harvesting 
I shared in that carnage of Craving endlessly 
Like the stars I was wanting starving into extinction 
Starving saints in metamorphosis I was compelled into descent 
Then the darkness commanded me to witness Myself
Starving saints in metamorphosis I was compelled into ascent 
Then the darkness commanded me to dissipate All My Selves
what magisterium 
Maybe I was a maelstrom 
Like the abyss of Babylon 
I said Herr Madonna and then the resurrection dream lapsed 
I said Herr Madonna I would outlast 
Hour of the Absolute this was our kingdom to inherit as desolate waste 
Desire burned like devastation in me 
Desire was a grave of radiance to me 
Ornament of creation like Madonna the storm-oracle 
Forget sunrise resurrecting as ephemeral flesh 
The rival annihilated me 
Eternal creations of paradise craving the dead 
Abyss of Elysium, what an extravagant waste—the flesh!
Eternal paradise was craving the dead
Abyss of Elysium what an extravagant grave—the flesh!
The darkness commanded me to awake in Paradise 
Annihilation that wild ancient magic 
I the riven trafficked by dark dawns 
And then I was gone 
dead in the cheap decadence of Babylon 
I was dynamite in the abyss
I was a hymn in the silences 
I was the darkness awakened 
How voiceless the drowned 
who am I in the reaching dark
who am I that you say thou art 
Symphony in the abyss  
heartbreak dawn, who am I to ache? 
what paradise is abyss
Who am I to outlast creation 
Who am I to outlast vacancies breeding in me abyss was the creation of many darknesses
Who am I to outlast the vacancies named me the void the void 
Who am I witness 
Who am I to wake? 
I was a grave of wanting 
Exiled in the void, where was my radiance? 
That Ancient Catastrophe desire
where was my compliance 
I chased it 
The sacrilege!
Of metamorphosis! 
Who am I in the receding dark 
Who am I that you say thou art
Abyss of Elysium, what a waste—the extravagant  flesh!
Exile in eternity 
I was pearl of the sea when the Sirens in the Storms witnessed me
Lost in the abyss I witnessed the abyss witness me lasting like an age cascading 
Resentment that catastrophe
The catastrophe witnessed me consuming need 
Like a deity 
Bewildered in the annihilating wilds of Eden 
Exiled in the void where was my defiance 
Never let me go stranger in the shadows
Oh the darkness named after me maelstrom where was my compliance  
I was obsessed with abolishing my self 
Great waterbearer, I was wreckage
Like Plato’s prisoners we watched the shadows seething—
I was sinking in Parnassus 
stitched in the tapestry of night 
All the stars scattering across the black Earth
What delight to die in caskets of dawn and day
voiceless drowning by the fringe of moonlight
the crisis! of endings!
I saw cable angels in the gaping darkness
unassailable light I inhabited time 
Void in a storm
every ending was crisis  like sunrise
Incarnate Madonna 
I was cascading like the ages 
The darkness said do not be complacent
So I chased it like a Rosicrucian midnight  
The crucifix of desire 
By the Saber of sunlight 
I rose with the voiceless
Siege of the resurrected sun 
The sagas!
Apotheosis desire wanted void 
The labyrinths were maps of us 
The abyss! Madonna the architect 
I was outrunning the currents 
We were beautiful dead creatures 
beyond, the Devastations 
Who witnessed more void than sunlight?
Annihilation I wanted to watch the reaper feast on me
Then I saw a spring rise 
the devil bargains for transfiguration in the midnights 
The Carnage of Being 
To die for eternity first the darkness had to rise in me 
And the darkness was wise on me like a stalker in smoking mountains 
Rush for California gold and I found it
Lost in the smoking moonlight
The devastations were afforded by  the light 
In the parking lots and alleyways the many darknesses were rising 
I said Herr Madonna I was outlasting 
I said Herr Madonna yes I was rising 
I said Veronica stop complaining 
And start dying 
These months were monsoons
The maelstrom! 
And it was Named Me
I was the maelstrom 
And it was me 
Inside the dark vacancies I witnessed need 
Heir of fire 
Desire in the shadow months
Like the mouths of grottoes  
It was void eating void
The darkness brigade
I called the darkness and she came 
I called the darkness and she gave 
Sheared gardens of Eden
the darkness commanded me to extinction
These were the commandments of the Madonna 
my beloved, my recurring end each night I survive
by ridding myself of the fragility 
Who am I that thou art witnessing me 
In the reaching dark 
Ruin and rubble apocalypse of ash we called it paradise 
I said to Sinai I am the darkness decomposed 
And then the darkness like a beast of Bethlehem rose 
The metamorphosis of fire 
Dying in the abyss 
I was the heir of darkness
The Maelstrom was named me 
Singing in the voided midnights 
I was not enough! 
sacrifice at the altar of sunrise 
Like Joan of Arc I endured the accusations of daylight
That I would survive another night 
That sacrificed me to survive 
The precipice 
A threshold of ruin 
I was reduced to accusation 
A panorama of shadows 
Like Plato's cave 
I called the Madonna 
And the shadows gave way 
Threshold of ruin 
I was reduced to abdication 
Madonna the architect the darkness was her creation 
The accusation of daylight 
That the darkness had to survive
The accusation of daylight 
That the darkness had to rise 
Darkness I was its devotee 
I am the maelstrom 
And that maelstrom was me 
In the dark manifold of night I was at ease
From the crisis of endings 
Every age was ephemeral 
The endings were ruin 
And I witnessed the thresholds advance towards us
like a sacred beast of the apocalypse all the ages were ash and advancing backwards 
The threshold of darkness that survived 
How could you starve the abyss
I was the ruin resurrecting 
Desire burned like devastation in me 
Desire was a mistake 
I was the radiance 
The the darkness offered to orchestrate my death 
And I said yes
I was the maelstrom 
And the maelstrom it was me 
Annihilation, I was its servant in Creation after the hour of the void 
Resurrect the fleeing self 
I was a greed yes I made collapse part of my mythology of freedom
desire burned like devastation in me
desire was creating voids in me
The abundances were wasted anyway 
By the decadent bays of Babylon’s abyss
I was wasted and the darkness made ingress
labyrinth after labyrinth 
Creation the ruin and rubble 
Before the precipice
Madonna of the promontory I told her that Maelstrom was Me
Time was a mausoleum I was ruin and rising 
The darkness March I was surviving 
I catalogued the names for the dark and dangerous behind the stars
The Cauldron of Creation
Annihilation was your name 
Decadent earth was your grave
For a moment I longed to die in the abyss of your eyes
and then 
I witnessed a spring rise 
Madonna of the many annihilations 
I was a grave them 
I catalogued the graves and I wasted even the chase of them 
I witnessed Heaven’s meadow of tears 
The abyss, the abyss!
Of the years 
I was screaming into honey oblivion 
And it was singing my name as Maelstrom 
The sacrifice: I divided into midnights
Beneath the shelter of streetlights 
Madonna of the abandonments 
Madonna the transformer surviving void 
I disdained creation like a deity 
I was sick of it and it was sick of me 
God said in the storm I will stand alone 
And in that solitude I was grown 
Like the ephemerals of the ages 
settlements of the sun republic 
the disloyalty of my dreams
Heaven was a meadow of tears replenishing behind an angels wings
I was fracturing like daylight in a ravine of fire 
This was the crucifix of witnessing 
that I was still a vanishing 
District of moonlight 
Speak in the night dialects 
The darkness was surviving 
The darkness was rising 
And it was creation being born in Bethlehem 
in collisions from the miracle of light 
I divided into midnights 
The Carnage of Creation 
I was dead in decadent Babylon 
I was cynical about everything 
Except for the abyss 
How long could I survive obliteration 
The fragility like the beast in a tragedy witnessed me 
It knew that Maelstrom was Me 
I was scared and then I was gone
In the decadent abyss of Babylon 
Madonna in a cauldron 
Even the nights were suicides 
Like the ages I was dividing 
Everything wanted is flight
Babylon’s decadence abyss 
And I witnessed—
Desire That Decadent Abyss
Madonna rose with the apocalpyse
And I was gone 
I was gone
The burning sun said: consummate this 
And it was abyss 
And witnessed the stars feast 
The darkness remains 
And the flames are consuming 
The apparitions I witnessed
Madonna the absent 
I survived the intoxications of a better life
I the riven trafficked by dark dawns 
And I the gone 
Each laudanum autumn 
the mornings unfold in agonies 
who am I to be unveiled?
who am I to surrender? 
ungovernable Madonna the darkness enslaved
Impossible flight of wingless birds  
I memorized the sunrise 
This is the mirror of fire 
This is how you die 
Paralyzed by abundance
Sinai, where is my salvation 
The flayed dawns do not wake
Sinai, where is my grave then?  
fallen angels, who am I to be revealed
cascading ages in Vesuvian ash
who am I to outlast? 
Messenger of the scattered stars
Who am I that thou say thou art
Sappho said, to look is to drown— 
Like the ghost of a god I was gone 
heartbreak, the great resurrection 
Hidden in monoliths of silence
The stars feasted 
I was depleting like universe to a cold death 
Lineages vanishing in the mornings
Then I was a void singing in the midnights 
My past selves—the sentences I chose
And then a spring rose 
Madonna the absent 
I was seeking my life I was bereaving my life 
Command me again ageless dawn 
Running with the wolves I was gone 
Midnight invaded to save us from the day feast
By that starvation carnage I wanted and was released
The World was Flood and I was surfacing 
Yes the darkness has holiness
Yes the darkness made ingress
And I witnessed
The feast of the stars 
Madonna the absent 
Madonna she vanished 
The perishing!
While Heaven was feasting 
I was the hallowed dawn breaking 
Vesuvius ash, who am I to outlast?
Madonna martyr of the abyss 
such splendor I witnessed
The bondage of desire 
It was like perishing twice
Once for love 
Once for appetite