What Wilderness

By nature, I am at war. Who am I? Who am I in the unraveling dark? Who am I that thou say thou art?  There are many ways of conquering. Desire burned like devastation in me. Apotheosis, I died for this. Darkness as a petition from the tyrant of the abyss. This, the unsurvivable unveiling: that I was witnessed. I was forever trying to prove I was chosen by striving which is opposite the condition of divinity. For my writing's sake, it was important that I not be saved. I named my book The Fragility partly because I spent twenty-five percent of the writing time shaking—and the rest, disintegrating. The Maestrom Recognized Me As Catastrophe.

Me: By then I had developed a...persona.
Therapist: Okay. Tell me about that.
Me: Well the universe was too quiet and not quiet enough the vanquisher I must resurrect desire 

Desire burned like devastation in me 
The testaments: I killed myself for this Genesis 
What wilderness 
And I welcomed it 
This anthem of angels living in reveries  
I confess, I was decadence in flesh 
Apotheosis in the hour of the midnights
By the bonfire flames I inscribed Your Name
There was calm after the chaos of Samarkand
The nights were mine the nights were mine 
I called desire holiness inside the Silos of moonlight 
Here was an unsurvivable thing 
That the carnage heaven was liquidating my dreams  
Desire ushered me in the sinking light
I was pride surviving the mornings into midnights
Falling in Decadent abyss
Like lightning I was a riven thing that the striking skies witnessed 
What wilderness
I witnessed disappearing inside me 
The fragility 
Under the shifting seas of sunlight 
Immortality Summoned me to Sinking  
Bound to those shoreless gods like sunrise
Ecstatic yes I confessed 
There were teeth in my flesh
by the slashed horizons with lidless eyes
yes I watched a spring rise 
Decades of decadence
That Ancient Abyss: abundance
I was an escaping thing
Like Madonna disappearing in moonlight 
What wilderness, I witnessed 
The sky was abyss 
Madonna of the meteorites
Prostituted wilderness 
Fiery the wings of tempest I was capsizing after light 
Whatn wilderness, desire
I was delivered into the wings of tempest 
Lynching of light, in your abyss of eyes I watched a spring rise 
Desire heralded the tempest 
What wilderness! I witnessed 
Madonna of the meteorites
I was disaster waiting for ecstatic arrival 
What wilderness surviving me 
Atonement like a god sought me on 
Rejoice in obliterating wilderness!
It was your abyss of eyes devouring me in desire
The wilderness was Genesis 
Desolation found its home in me 
Like Piranesi lost in the labyrinth of flooding moonlight 
What wilderness 
With the wings of a tempest 
I watched a spring rise 
Decadence in the flesh 
I called it holiness 
What survival 
To die thrice  
First for appetite
Then for desire 
And then for sacrifice 
Rejoice in obliterating wilderness! 
The sky was abyss 
Desire the usherer of the light
I annihilated myself for completion 
What wilderness
I called it Genesis 
In the fires of creation 
I was a vanishing thing
Hour of the immortals 
To the angels I confess
There were teeth in my flesh 
What wilderness I inhabited
Even consuming light is sacrilege 
Without disasters I would not have become myself 
What wilderness in Revenant dawn
delivered from tempest to tempest 
each one recognized us in recurring eternities
What wilderness to survive the massacre mornings
What wild magic the wilderness witnessed me dominating in desolation 
Madonna of the carnage 
There were teeth in my flesh 
I confess
I called it success 
Such was the sacrifice of decadence 
You had to die twice
Once for desire 
Once for appetite 
What wilderness desire 
What beckoning 
I confess
There were teeth in my flesh 
I called it wilderness 
Imprisoned in the midnight I survived
That maelstrom was me 
The successes! of decadence 
Pooling moonlight in the ruins 
I was nighttime reviving
I do not forgive and I do not forget
This Survival was Decadence in the Flesh  
Genesis—I killed myself for this 
Sybil of the abyss 
Genesis 
I killed myself for this 
The days were black plagues
Creation was obliteration 
I sacrificed myself for this 
Apotheosis in the flesh of midnight
Convalescent in the days 
Like black plagues 
I was every earthquake 
What catastrophe 
Then the catastrophe pronounced me its image 
By the banks of the apocalypse 
That maelstrom was named me 
The fragility! 
a killing Genesis imprisoned me 
Creation is obliteration
Miriam of the angels
I saw the carnage that I wanted
And my selves collapsed 
Dissolution in dreaming dusk 
Desire witnessed us 
The Devastation of my paradises - I called it charity 
Nightmare Genesis 
It was a god wasn't it?
Desire the Titan of creation 
On my knees dreaming of you devouring me
Ouroboros I was the eternal return you chose  
Infernal titan of creation desire you fell with Lucifer from screaming heaven 
The fragility was killing Genesis 
Desire the imprisoning titan of creation I called it liberation
On my knees dreaming of obliteration
Genesis I killed myself to witness this sunrise 
Under the surplus of sunrise
The fragility witnessed me unraveling
Why did I shrink in shame?
Madonna I called 
And Madonna she came 
Genesis 
I killed myself for this 
Madonna the mythologist 
From my carcass of selves, metamorphosis 
I died for this killing Genesis 
The delirium: that divine imprisonment was freedom 
Wherefore I heard in warring heaven 
That your sacred Name was the weapon 
Desire was obliteration 
Devoured by the specter of my wilderness
This was Genesis 
I collapsed my selves for this divinity
That maelstrom was named me 
Basking like Prometheus in my rebelling Fire of Creation 
This is the herald of devastation  
This is the mirror of fire
This is how you die
I was on the precipice of collapse 
When I said to the darkness: witness me outlast 
Like coyotes in the flooding moonlight 
We were devouring survival 
I was the violence of sunrise 
Shattered by a killing light  
Witness the wild magic: Metamorphosis  
Like Oedipus testing destinies, I thought I could outrun sunrises
It was survival itself I wanted to surpass 
I said to the darkness: witness me outlast 
We were drunk on survival but it was devouring wilderness
Every night I ask myself: what is most likely to kill you?
And the answer is always the same 
It was me devouring me 
The fragility!
Genesis in my flesh, I was decadence
Addicted to obliteration 
I waited in that devastation 
And I called it light 
Madonna in the mountaintops
In the sunrise I slashed my eyes to witness spring
I died for this Genesis
The decadence!
Madonna gave up her heartbeats 
Katabasis, I sacrificed myself for this Genesis 
Oblivion the achievement of exile 
Desire I called it Genesis 
My life ! It was I that summoned the nothingness 
Like a coyote I lived in the shadows before the moonlight
Desire devouring Genesis
I killed myself for this obliteration
Desire burned like devastation in me 
Desolation in the black plague of days 
Vanquisher of death, I confess
I resurrected desire 
Possessed by the horizons I was shrinking from 
Had I become myself?
Metamorphosis 
I was not a person 
But a collapse 
The devastations of paradise 
What Happened to the Angels 
They were so degraded they had to become divinities 
Divinity is imprisonment 
The perishing! Of metamorphosis 
Herr Madonna I would outlast the darknesses 
I was not a person but a collapse
That even oblivion couldn’t surpass
Resurrect me being of burning Eden 
Resurrect me to a fragile imprisonment 
Desire burned like devastation in me 
Desire burned like light from divinity to me
The testaments of the flesh, I confessed my desolations
That maelstrom called creation 
Desire exiled me to imprisoning flesh 
What wasteland, creation 
That creation was wasteland 
Desire exalted me to flesh 
Rushing into the rivening wind 
I prayed for devastation 
And devastation came like the maelstrom at midnight 
These were the testimonies of the rivening wind 
I was a splitting 
My neck in the hangman's noose but it was an execution of my choosing 
Desire wore the wings of lightning 
Man, the murderer of dust
Born into the grottoes of consciousness  
To endure the misfortunes of existence
I went by way of the abyss
What wilderness
Mimicry of the divine 
What wilderness 
Madonna of the midnight annihilations 
Creation is obliteration 
Madonna of the meteorites
Surviving the night of knives 
I was polymorphous as the name of the rose
My selves splitting with the voids of smoking sunrises 
Sybil of the abyss 
I was a disintegrating witness in galaxies of smoke
Longing for freedom when an imprisonment of spring rose 
Endure the obliteration of creation
For Being is resurrecting Eden 
Dream after dream 
Surviving creation 
I was Being resurrecting Eden
Existence the ruse
J'accuse, j'accuse!
Yes I went by way of the abyss
What wilderness!
Bare and gazed by the baroque appetites of the midnights
I was disintegrating into galaxies of smoke 
Madonna of the midnight annihilations I chose 
I was an unraveling, summoning oblivion 
This was the punishment of immortality:
The carrion ages remembered me 
Sepulcher of the eves I grieved 
Oblivion that ancient wild magic
To forget what happened 
Buried in the violence of sorrow, I panicked
Persecution for the nights I survived 
Without dying twice 
Once for desire 
Once for baroque appetites 
Desire burned like devastation in me 
Desire burned like desolation in me 
Desire burned in expectation of me 
Desire burned a grave of flames in me 
What wilderness 
This was the ritual 
God decomposed into gossamer clouds 
I was an abyss spreading wilderness 
Desire burned like Genesis in me 
There was I falling into grace
What wasteland, what wilderness
THE MAELSTROM RECOGNIZED ME AS CATASTROPHE