The Extravagances

for [REASONS REDACTED] I disassociated 
Why did I think it was necessary to spend so many years trying to figure out who I was? As if it mattered? 

There were sleeping ships on the horizon 
I wanted a version of the truth but it was a void of my choosing 
Flash fires from the latticed Heavens 
My life failed to be miraculous 
The delirium of a dream
yes my greed dawned on me
reveler of Bleeding evening in repose 
I was a starved creature feasting
on the roulette of existence 
every wild exhilaration
was a graveyard of dreams 
surrendering to the stinging winds 
THE EXTRAVAGANCES 
WERE KILLING ME
Daybreak dawn I wandered on 
the borderlands of Oblivion 
blooming like an aurora in summer’s sibling spring 
THE HEAT! RESTING IN ME!
dare I say it was a fever I needed
I vanished into dusk
and then that bloodless oblivion remembered us
desire like a lightning storm
there was devotion in devastation
and I was warned— I was warned—
The tempests of Eternity wounding me
like a sickle of starlight
death bearing her jagged fangs
I dreamt of divine things 
THE MAGNITUDES! OF ALL THINGS!
as fountains of light surging before my eyes 
and still I wanted to die
in the killing fields of flaming stars 
Moonlight it was desire ecstatic like an evening tide
that had me gilded as firelight 
THE BRUTALITY! LIKE BLACK STREAMS OF LETHE! 
and everyone was forgetting me
even the divinities
in female fashion I suffered like flesh
I was a fawn in floodwaters
sleeping in the rivers of Oblivion
in bewilderment I witnessed 
the cacophony of brokenness
Vermillion it was a red apocalypse
a thousand figs like a fever of Vesuvian fire in my fingertips
but I was afraid of them all