“I refused to admit that I was traveling towards what I could not reach. Apathy robbed me of the strength even to despise myself.” Solaris
“Am I a monster, or is this what it means to be a person?” Clarice Lispector
Madonna of black fire Madonna of the Good Books Madonna of the briarthorns like hooks in the darkness Madonna of the black figs Madonna like a Martyr of Avalon mists
Madonna of blackfire briarthorns Madonna of blackfire figs
Madonna as a Martyr of Avalon mists
Desire was a will-of-the-wisp in the marshed darkness
Flower flesh blooming in a fire palimpsest
I was Gatsby on the banks dreaming of light harvesting
Destiny bombarding me like sparks of fire chaos creation
Call me tainted as the sins of Desire’s serpent
Madonna of black briars in captivity
Madonna of flames assemblages in the dark engines of Earth roaring
Vespertine of the deeps
IT WAS MADONNA THAT UNFURLED IN ETERNITY
Like the Darkness sleeve beyond the veil of forever sleep
She was Madonna of mimesis
and I was hidden myself
Allegiant to angel-flesh in extinction of experience
Evil was the silverlily of existence
I burned in the honeyed interiors of golden hills
Madonna of the stars’ eldritch fire
Vanishing into shadows as if I were a killed thing
Madonna of the holy trees like an ancient cathedral of the earth we needed
I was Nobody in the Cyclops cave
with the bones of a newborn
Chaos from the Rapture of Revelation
I suffered the collisions of accumulated griefs
Nostos to the morning light
I wanted to live I wanted to die
Madonna of the black sand beaches
Cycling through obsessions like seasons of Hellfire
It was desire like a vicious vipered thing unwinding into the wilding veins of Existence
To exist was a masquerade of fire fevers
I couldn’t surpass the infinities
I dreamt of delight
I cried out your name into the liquid light
Confined as a lattice of ribs behind flower flesh
I burned in crucibles of blue fire that lived like light
Beheld the mutating grandeurs of God
and then I forgot
I do not have safety I do not have bliss
I do not have someone to save me from the extinctions
She was Madonna of mimesis
and I was hidden myself
I seized the burning kingdom of Grief
Radiating light maybe every being was a screaming thing wanting
Womb of the world
Like folded doors to echoing eternity
and! so! much! of! existence! was! swallowed! by! grief!
I was a formless thing
I was the silence shattering
The killing fields of desire
Existence like the intoxication of a Sphinx
It was a Riddle reverberating from the Deep
and I needed your light! Living inside me!
Irreversible perfection I surrendered to summerfire
An assemblage of fire as the void of a tiger’s innards
and I needed to fill the interstices of Time
I witnessed the end of all things
Like a blessing of summerfire in spring
I was a burning Madonna with no one to witness my killing it was existence like a chamberless Hell that I lived in and I could hear the bells of Revelation angels dragging me to the deeps for completion
and I needed—I needed—
Escape from that Promethean fire desire like a ravine in the deeps
Sacrilege I beheld the fractured face of god
Who would accept the vow of a robber?
Cowardice was its own punishment
Fire with sun-scorched salamanders
I witnessed insensible Eternity
Desire like a carousel of painful revelries
And the pain was a beautiful weapon to me
Madonna of Galilee
Madonna, too, of the black seas
baptized by beauty
I walked in the Mysticism of Fire
it was Desire in my Visions
Like a worshipped thing from The Everlasting
Fire-flowers in Paradise Pastures
wherewhen God was a walking thing witnessing Eve
The beginning of Time was Light
Like a will-of-the-wisp in the marshed mist
Why did it kill me to contemplate the things that I chose
THE AFTERGLOW OF THE COSMOS
LIKE THE LIMPID LIGHT FROM AURORAS IN ARCTIC SKIES
I prayed for terrible things like a temple of Grief
No time for caution in the shimmering twilight
That angel hunter, desire!
dissolving the riptides of spaceTime
The liquidation of light it was desire that witnessed me like a reverie in my vision the liquidating light of desire like a fever that I needed
THERE WAS HUBRIS IN SEEKING TO CONTAIN ALL THE LIGHT
IT WAS AN EXTRAVAGANCE OF FIRE I WANTED
IT WAS AN EXTRAVAGANCE OF FIRE LIKE GOLDEN SEAS OF DESIRE THAT I CHARTED
IT WAS AN EXTRAVAGANCE OF FIRE THAT HAD FORGOTTEN ME
I rested on the banks of devastation
Desire was killing me like I was a fragile thing
Atlas I carried the gravity of my grief
Saint or sinner I was a mystic thing in existence
Tesseracting like the tendons of eels
yes, I was a traitor to fear
Desire like a Liquidating Eternity In Finite Play
Desire that Descended Dawn’s Darkness Into Dark Day
Even survival was a savagery
it was desire as sharp as a Series of Stakes
that had me quivering in ribbons of light
I walked in the mysticism of fire
Like a worshipped thing from The Everlasting
The end of the world simmering in a whirlwind
Grave of God and I sought—
and I sought—
Heir of darkness
and I was forgotten
I was forgotten
like a thief in the cliffs of night
I was a Vespertine roaming the forgotten foothills of moonlight like temples to the chosen gods
dreaming of another life
dreaming of another life
Last lamb in the divine silences
I heard the swan songbirds
of another Earth
THE VOIDS ACCRETED
I LOVED! THEREFORE I NEEDED NOTHING!
It was a promising annihilation
to be forgiven by that shapeshifter Silence
and its orchestrations of light
It was desire living in me
Evangelion of the Last Lamb lost in the wilds
God I wish
my life had been different