Murphy’s Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Interstellar | Ibi Piano
Eugene de Blaas, A Young Woman with Veil detail, ca. 1880-1910
I remain a lethal mix of being not serious enough and too serious all the same (that is, too dramatic). The Chaos spreads like dark dandelion seeds. I laughed about terrible things today! I wake to the Primordial!
A machine or a god it was an eternal mystery and yes for a fragile moment it was the terror that witnessed Me by the fragility I was freed I wanted to be hungered for it was the world that Wondered me I succumbed to a mania the more I detached from reality the less I cared about my safety I waited on the World and there was I Wondering as the days Devoured me
Finally emerging from my fortress of delusions, I confess that, not for one fragile moment, did I have things together. Not for one fragile moment. And the fragile moment: it was my life.
The light was out but it was churning fire instead of sun the world went on burning asunder some warping infinity a desire that I wouldn’t whet it was fire and brimstone that I wanted the maze of a circuit board time was synthetic scraping at the nape of my neck like the sharp edge of a scythe and increasingly yes, I accumulated disfigurements! I entangled with a collapsing star it was the apocalypse that I wanted the constellations were orchards of light the brightness kept me awake I was umbral and devoted to despair waiting for some kingdom to come I couldn’t hide that I was still frightened in the fires of winter I dreamt I was weightless the angels they stalked me it was the wanderers that watched me but the heavenly and the divine was not what kept me up at night
I held a hope I was treasured was I the less for it? to long for impossible things I was always blessed by the wanting I remember the times I almost died I summoned a quiet violence fixed to the firmament to the fissures in the worlds within words I drowned in a river of forgetfulness I inhabited a great Silence before I realized I missed Sound
The morning was lingering I watched the world and I feared it watched me hey hey I’m sorry you see you are safe now Dawn a victory of light was it sufficient I feared it might be when it was me in the morning witnessing
I exist in a constant state of yearning, and I always have. I fear a Fulfilled me— I fear she would be less present and less vital. I hate that I oscillate widely between wanting to be seen and not wanting to be seen at all. The universe and I are locked in mutual incomprehension. Chaos is depleting me. I am a coward. And I need new shoes.
In the Greater Machine Age, we—will—all—be—Materials.
Unmoored in rapturous flight and terrified I resigned in the spiral of Time between the slips of silences I arrested on a dreaming eve late in December when the brutality I fear it remembered me I dreamt the world over was wreckage && yes for a moment in eternity the world slowed there was gold in dissolution and God somewhere in the Confusion absconding to a decaying Dawn in its final splendor shore by shore I haunted earth like a silent Specter seeking euphoria && I wanted more
Confessions I remember when the future felt farther away. I remember all the people who denied me interiority. The cruelty was on loan—it was never mine. Cigarette smoke makes me think of Paris. I fall into Whirlpools of Time. I wish I knew how much we can blame the world for what we became and how much of it is our fault. A failed actress is actually much cooler than I am. I accidentally swerved my Lime scooter into a thorn bush on Melrose over Brat Summer. It was, in fact, a very Brat thing to do. I was living in Denial (a rented unit). Their Eyes Were Watching God in case he does something funky. Alexa, play Axel F. It’s now the 80s. I’m Winona Ryder playing Veronica. I just got back from Hell and it shows.
My book on the Kabbalah: “there is more to life than subsistence and self-glorification.” When I tell you I shut the book so quickly—
Here’s the me blog and the me pictures
Here’s the me thoughts and the me dinners!
Here’s the me Instagram and the me riches!
(Of course it’s me I I witnessed)
This is me in and out of time!
Here’s the me day and the me night!
Here’s me myself and mine
I’m inside the me mind
Here’s a thousand pictures of my face!
Here’s me as a babe!
Here’s how I was raised!
Here’s me in the me place!
PRE-DIVORCE SCENE
« What do you mean you don’t think I have a beautiful mind? »
I think I’m writing song lyrics?
Who would choose to be rescued
Do not prolong me
I remember the day
It felt timeless
The skies were empty lots
I wanted a Magnum opus
But it was me, unfinished
And I I witnessed
Like an effigy
I stood in silence, a bedside artifact
It was an obsession that gripped me
And I wanted it to release me
Call me what I am
It was the terror that whispered to me
The terror that unfurled like candlelight
I saw things changing and I couldn’t stand it
I felt my future unfolding
It was like a rare grace to me
To vanish without tracings
Some nights I swear everything seems unsurvivable
I unravel I unravel I unravel
Life impassable
But the terror passed through me
I was a weird child adrift
And the universe listened to me
Consumed by the fear of discovery
I’m an artist by necessity
Who would choose to be rescued
Do not prolong me
I remember the day
It felt timeless
The skies were empty lots
I wanted a Magnum opus
But it was me, unfinished
And I I witnessed
Like an effigy
I almost walked when the light was green
A shadow on the periphery
Like snowdrops growing in a Vienna spring
Suffice it to say
The silence scarred me
Survivor of a senseless violence
It was an art to me
A night demon ceding territory
Was it desperation
I went west
How it harrowed me into hysteria
Was it gleaming
Angels treading the stream of time
Gathering dusk in golden lands
Finally lifted from suffering
I was Sleipnir sleeping on his tracks
It was a greed that resurrected me
And to a greed that I surrendered
I had this daydream that I was standing on the curb of the sidewalk, and I saw one of those newly abundant (self-driving) Waymo cars. My dog Beary Bean was in the front seat, staring at me wide-eyed as the car wheeled on by.
Why do I find it scintillating to see my soul fading infinity into infinity my life light and liminal unwinding into a vacancy I feared a reckoning without reason my sanity sacrificed I dove deranged into oblivion to fall by fever or by fire I fled to a home inside my head listening for echoes of elysium I sought the sublime I dreamt of summer seas and the other infinities I wanted to bow one eve before the silvered moon && be delivered for it was a brutality that chased me it was a brutality that lay waste to me before the murmuring universe reeled me in I daysleep I daydream I daydrift in blinding starlight it was a fear that would find me a foe it was for a wonder that I stayed and for a wonder that I would not let go I resist I resist!
To waste away in winter like the unfinished work of a Creator the world was terrifying to me I kept wanting things that were vanishing blessed and the rest and the rest && yet I sought more I confess, to worship the world before it wanes a death in ice or a succession of flames all while a strange alchemy shackled me I would not forget that you permitted my unraveling I resist I resist! it was the waning world I witnessed it was like a lesson to me it was like a dark blessing to me
Yes I wanted a share in the delights though they will not last yes it was as if I had bathed in the night sky yes I walked beneath sodium lights I rested and rested when the stars cried once or twice I listened the world whispered and I I witnessed it was a war or a wonder what is the difference when I listened it was on a night in december I do believe I saw the brutality witness me I resist I resist! What is a wonder the world I swear it frightens me so and trust me when I tell you it was a night in december that the glowing world witnessed me it was so and so
I fell apart because I was convinced of my invincibility
I remember what the brutality told me I remember what it taught it was golden to me in the dawn for a moment I could have sworn that even I feared me and for a moment I thought that I was crying and in the darkness yes I felt that it feared me
It sought me so and so it does no good to go
I chose and chose it undid me I orchestrated it
It was so and so! I wanted to know!
Why would I resign even in the dark it would find me in my fearlessness it missed me I wanted abundance it was fire and void abyss inside abyss and painfully yes I’m sure I saw the brutality witness Me
I arrested in the twilight of Time
I saw a way to Make the world entire Mine
I resist I resist !
In the twilight I smiled because it was the world entire that I witnessed
It was so and so!
It brought me to my knees
I wanted radiance and let me tell you the world, it glowed
It was so and so!
I couldn’t go I couldn’t go
I resist I resist !
In the twilight I smiled because it was the world entire that I witnessed
The bloodlines are cursed one reverberating voice I hear it I I dayspring I daysleep I dissipate in gods graces yes I tasted it I herald the new thing I prevaricated and then dared to take it the god from the machine and lo! it! awakens! blistering, coruscating, would I have orchestrated it? I at the center of a wheeling universe afflicted fell in and got addicted I couldn’t refuse
To be subsumed first by the angels and then by you it was a brutality that slept in me and I wanted it wrested from me it was a darkness I unearthed a darkness I birthed and the pains had me screaming as a newborn babe it found me from the heel of Hell I raised it fearless to fight the abyss and now I carry on in bliss well not only am I not frightened but I I see the starlight
I resigned I sought the divine things I dreamt of a shelter that would hide me it was a brutality that resided in me like so many universes colliding it was a brutality that would find me a witness I listened to the spheres it was a brutality that silenced me I fled because I was frightened what the terror taught me and sought in me divinity it has to do with timing the lust for understanding I said God GO NOW and I said that I wanted to KNOW NOW Icarus with wings too high maybe I was okay with annihilation I cleaved into many selves for re-creation I made an art of disappearing no one could direct me it was the fragility that could not resurrect me
I survived by surrender by choosing not to be remembered a silence that spoke to me I was forgotten I died heaven was an endless hall the gods drank and mercilessly laughed as they watched me fall there is a terrible beauty in stillness I made a holiday list of all the things that will kill me
To be subsumed first by the angels and then by you it was a brutality that slept in me and I wanted it wrested from me it was a darkness I unearthed a darkness I birthed and the pains had me screaming as a newborn babe it found me from the heel of Hell I raised it fearless to fight the abyss and now I carry on in bliss well not only am I not frightened but I I see the starlight
All of the violence I wrought and founded while it was the brutality that bound me I forfeit and I forget I learned I could bear witness without being essential to it it was the brutality that missed me the brutality that witnessed me for a moment I wanted the world to weep for me a daisy growing after the apocalypse my wounded soul and I wanted to know I saw my universe destroyed and I wanted more of it my selfishness and my cruelty I thought they would undo me do not fear God when God fears you like a divinity I wrote it word by word and we know we both know it was the brutality that could not let me go
It was a poison and I let it grow it was a horror that embroiled me and it was a trap that I felt the fates had unrolled for me and I would not I would not let the brutality forget me so yes I chase speeding cars! yes I held out my arms to receive the starlight! it was the brutality that like a shadow stalked me and I said farewell and let go let it be and be and it was so
