RUN ME OVER IN YOUR CYBERTRUCK RUN ME OVER IN YOUR CYBERTRUCK

The Event Horizon

Surely it was religious to bury those witnesses we could bury those nations in fury it was an event horizon that rushed on toward us it wanted more of us it was an event horizon that sang our names a troop of angels strangling our armies annihilation I didn't complain about it while it was happening I just let it destroy me it was an event horizon that walked on towards me like a marching void God had forgotten to mention it was wrecking despair to be sleeping in Remembrance like a valley of darkness that would swallow me a sprint in Hell was like a vacation to me it was an event horizon that witnessed me it was as if I had kissed the world in worship who would wait for permission I realized I belonged to the world when I thought I belonged to you valiant it was a guide to me it was unraveling me desire like a ruined nation to me valiant it was desire wasn't it? It reminded me of the spring valiant I was wise to it the world was scintillating existence dreamt fragile me valiant it was doubt that was sinking me it was existence like a spring of youth to me desire rising into an interstellar fire finished me into the void I was hesitating valiant the shattering end of the universe waited for us valiant it was no surprise that the brilliance of life would finish us 

IT WAS AN EVENT HORIZON THAT WITNESSED ME INTO THE SPHERES I WAS LEVITATING INSECURITY WAS LIKE A VIPER TO ME IT WAS VALIANT TO STILL BE RESISTING EVENT HORIZON I THINK I WAS CRYING IT WAS AN EVENT HORIZON WAITING FOR ME I WAS IN THE VORTEX SWIMMING THE ABYSS NEEDED ME EVENT HORIZON I COULD HAVE SWORN THE UNIVERSE WAS CRYING FOR US IT WAS EXHILARATING TO WITNESS THE DETERIORATION AND PRETEND IT WAS A MERCY KILLING

We lived on interstellar time I was traveling backwards with my mind
It was an event horizon 
I wanted
Event horizon
Yes I sought it 
That devastation 
I longed for it 
It was spiritual deterioration 
Event horizon 
I was orchestrating the end of the world soon
There was wisdom in forgiving the eternities they went on as they pleased yes the devastation came and the same way the devastation went 
Event horizon 
We made the void 
Cry for us 
Event horizon the singularity was wise to us  
I dreamt the eye of the event horizon black skies upon black skies the landscape of a world unraveling soon it was the event horizon in my sight like a Black Sabbath at twilight 
In midnight the event horizon saw me in my fragility 
THE EVENT HORIZON
YES I FELT IT RISE IN ME

Valiance

A tragedy that vacated nations and we hesitated existence was a Wonderland I would not soon forget slips of eternity crumbled towards forsaken me desire had taken me existence it was weird how I feared it my soul was like a dew of fear to me and I feared that beauty felled us that beauty melted us into dissolution I wanted to dissolve into the skies distances love it was grand wasn't it? Like I was stranded on some other planet I couldn't stand it staring into an event horizon the cries belonged to someone else it was a dream wasn't it? It was existence I listened to valiant it was someone else's dream dreaming of some other name some other place the heel of hell yes I raised it the soul-collapse I would outlast like a star always be radiant it was existence I was irradiating existence it was delicious to me the chaos was resounding that eldritch jewel of life I found it I wanted more I wanted war it was desire to me I was wiser valiant witnessing was a treasure to me existence got the better of me it was a fetter to me I was remembering not that! Not me! I surrendered Existence got the better of me I begged it not to forget me I existed it was a risk wasn't it? It was desire that imperiled me 

Valiant it was kind wasn't it to witness the world wasting it was dawn I borrowed it was dawn I charted at 3 am it was a dream wasn't it? To be an artist? The secret? Fear anxiety obsession the feeling that the world is wounding you how astounding I was marked it was desire I dayscream it was wisdom to be witnessed it was desire wasn't I had risen higher still it made a martyr of me I was processing gods withdrawal to me God was a word I heard it was distant as daylight to me it was the universe listening. It was valiant how I designed it un some ways I was the same in some ways I was changed that was what scared me valiant I was a sunrise that went the universe was a surprise to me wasn't it I was suffering it was desire I was discovering triumphant it was decay wasn't it Valiant I tried it I desired it it was a moment valiant the Sun it was a star wasn't it I was guided it was fire to me the way the sun was .. twinkling it was wisdom wasn’t it to be patient with me the fear was subsiding it was birthright to desire it and yes I kept that fire! I saw that light it was twinkling like desire to me it was fire to me that kept me it was eternity whispering to me I died! I died! It was my desire to hide that Eternity witnessed me it was desire to me I was witnessing it was need wasn't it the helicopter was like a star to me I needed freedom it was desire why hide it valiance I was discovering it 

Would I suffer it subsiding when it was rising in me! It was a deluge that protected me it was embodiment that fettered me I was the worse for it the lights! The lights! Why hide? I was valiant those people had more than me it was a small tragedy I deserved the deluge the deluge was what I sought I wanted devastation who would be a martyr when tomorrow was more pleasure to me I was a concubine of Waste hesitating that danger was tired of us existence like a thistle existence I wish it lifted me I dreamt the deluge that rescued me 

Existence it buried me I daysleep and there was I depleting I dayscream and there was I witnessing that catastrophe valiant for the time being I was unraveling who or what will resurrect me? Valiance was besides the point I went for surrender I buried me it was scintillating the void I fell in the accumulations were wounding even Time was losing track of me and there was I witnessing that catastrophe

Valiant
it was desire wasn't it?

Ruination was a Garden to Me

Being an artist is the most ridiculous affliction. The world will collapse around you and you wonder: first, is this good material? And second, is my work any good? And the second will kill you because it’s the only thing that matters—the only thing that save you.

The crucible let it devastate you the ribs of the vorticity a thousand times it witnessed me yes I saw that vortex witness me to live inside the shattering a thousand times it shattered fragile me the devastation attested me it was a luminous annihilation existence that crucible annihilated me the rest of my shattered soul was singing it was luminous valiance it guided us the crucible of existence doomed us before I was born it was a god that sentenced me it was a god that resented me it was my freedom and my seeking that undid me ruination was a garden it was bombardment lumbering towards forsaken me who could survive the vorticity I was spiraling like a god-spirit even reality was pretend to me the fragility it witnessed me it was resistance inside the crucible we grew slowly the vortices! It was existence I was the worse for it still I wanted more it was a liquor of doom consuming forsaken me

I was witnessing a terrifying brilliance the fragility terrorized me I heard the universe I started it the terror that was dear dread to me you were the luminous thing I was wanting the skies were quiet I was wise to it I wanted to be undone the fragility needed me it was wise to me reality was bruising me I wanted a world of my own choosing the fragility was a guide to me and yes I raised it I was taken by it yes I fell into the twilight yes it was departing I had gone far for it status anxiety it was twilight to me the dissonant universe would not listen it was desire I couldn’t escape I called the fates and they dismissed me it was a betrayal to be disintegrating that Decay witnessed me it was declared at midnight the brutality was scared of me sanity I displaced was I wasting it suffocated me and I forgave it the moment was taken it was radiance that remembered me on a summers eve by radiance I was taken it was Bombardment and I wanted it

Ruination was a garden to me I had forgotten how it was growing in me I was a concubine of Waste it was not just necessary but reasonable to decay in gods graces yes I wasted it and it's wasting me it's taking me I can't breathe it was an eternity that I sipped like the roots of the god tree what an exhilarating drink it was a tempest that swept us finished on the embankments of Time that devastation remembered Us sipping eternity I was a thing that was vanishing it was a privilege to be witnessing I mean it was unrivaled agony I feared extinction I want life it was life that saw me in my witnessing I was a lunar thing unwinding the anxieties convulsing me in the mutating Night I could have sworn that the Brutality was frightened of forsaken me

You were the luminous thing I was losing and I would not let go you were the luminous thing killing me to meet the singularity without hesitating I WANT LIFE IT WAS A WILL THAT WAS EVOLVING I WANT LIFE AND I SAW THE SPLENDOR WHERE THE WORLD WAS ENDING! Witnessing was exquisite to me it was delicious to me freedom held a likeness to Eternity I was a prisoner in those weeks I feared the immensity would kill us returning to Ithaca lifted by the buoyancy immortality was a companion to me Life and the delight is that I wouldn't survive it

You can stand with the hordes of Sparta and still be wrong.

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"Only scoundrels are modest."
—Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel, “Idols in the Temple,” in The Insecurity of Freedom (1966)

On the Splendor

It was a tragedy that vacated Nations and I feared we would not make it it was a tragedy that descended on Nations born away like Persephone fragile existence was escaping me it was wisdom to be disintegrating it was a distant snaking thing that slithered towards forsaken me I would orchestrate my vanishing I had built an Empire in my Mind but to stay there was trying I dissolved into a bloodless oblivion I believed the Carnage would lead to immortality it was an absurdity that needed me there was wisdom in creation that needed Devastation there was cruelty without sympathy and it reminded us the guidance was not needed season of rebellion it was a gelatinous doom that you fell in inscribed in Time existence in relation to a seeded doom and I knew which I’d choose 

I wasn’t crying I was defiant a gestating Disaster that forbade me from prolonging the brutality of slow mornings and their conspiracies of messianic vanishings I remember when you called it bravery but it was naked panic I delighted in the devastation the end of the world was hesitating mortality wizened me it was a cascading Catastrophe that witnessed me surely it was okay to delay the great revelations while the end of the world was accelerating in a state of abandonment I aggrandized pain rifts and rifts in the seams of the World the Carnage magnified the Divine it was forbidden to witness the resemblances it was existence that irradiated me it broke my quiet soul that it was a danger to know I thought perfection would protect me a primal violence resided in us it would not survive us

A vacancy I was making a void that I birthed it was fear or the fear of it I suppose Disaster accumulated me it was sacred and consuming to me you existed at the edge of my being you were this luminous thing I was wanting I resisted the distances I could not bear the luminosity nor could Cataclysm or Crisis finish me it was existence that leaked from me existence like a leech that was bleeding me yes I heard the footsteps of God marching on yes even I wanted me gone it was hard to sustain the mythologies when the World kept throttling me the Chaos was bored of us a woman destroyed I decayed in displacement witnessing the World was exquisite to me it was mesmerizing to decay in a daydream that was missing Me I was a planet aligning I felt the dependence deepen and I confess I abandoned it and then I needed it I believed it was religious to destroy myself for the idea of you it was uplifting to be witnessing while the glowing universe like an alarm was ringing it was history repeating I know it! In cathedrals of collapse who supposed the universe could last? 

I would consume the world like a drop of dew that in the morning mist I followed and in the morning mist yes I swallowed like the darkness of Plato’s cave swollen with shadows unbelievably freedom wounded me it was asphyxiating to watch the world decay with me it was a grace in abeyance it was a greater day that awaited us tragedies that heaven sent if there was a Lord dare I say I fear He went? It was wild that overthinking was wizening me I remember one day in childhood when it christened me it was a Divine Comedy with an actor missing and I rose to it as if existence was something I had chosen! My fate foreclosed on me it was a deploring Season insanity was like reason to me and I vanishing vainly fought a freedom that could have saved me I wanted vainly that freedom that I sought to save me through the dark I ferried through and through that despair nearly buried me divinity was an impossibility displacement defeated me into pieces and I convinced myself that I needed it! There was savagery in the dissolution of a daydream that I inhabited it was bold to presume the universe cared for its own doom knowing I pretended it was wisdom knowing it was a brief reprieve from the depletion I witnessed the desire growing in me the silence of God was like music to me a version of Events that favored me the resurrection of so many dead dreams defended me there was wisdom in disobedience it was Reason wasn’t it? 

It was a glory that awaited us if only there were room in the interlude of Heaven and hilariously they thought there was wisdom in history when it was iterating Doom! The end of the world was pleasing to me I fear there was some totality in tow I will only love when you go and there is wisdom in knowing it was so it was knowledge and I fear I knew it was knowledge and I wish I could lose it searing like a dream it was a vision that needed me let’s face it the world was like a weapon wielded it was a tragedy that advanced to kill us the withering brilliance of life it was actually wisdom to forget you know and there was wisdom in knowing it was so 

We let the Machine Age run to Decay afflicted with self-hatred I fear I hesitated it was a repository of dreams that shattered me it was the cataloguing of luminous things that mattered to me a Metropolis of the Mind like a God I wanted to name the many existences how anguishing to suppose all of Life was some dream that chased me the intoxication was blinding to me even discord was divine to me I abandoned myself to totality it was my life in reverse that summoned me like some dark force of entropy I resisted the fatality it was the World entire that I witnessed my mind resigned me it sought me so and so it does not good to go resignation like a transfigured victory I relished imprisonment it was sublime to me to feel myself a momentary divinity my soul under siege sleep was some kind of sorcery that evaded us I dreamt a vanishing nation haunted by holiness I wasted and wilted I tilted like a misdirected Earth I waited on the World and when I emerged it was worse that carnage life storming from my control and do you not think it sickened me do you not think I was out in the chaos like an angel wizened by the depravity I was going to unwind myself into an invisible thing the celestial exile was bruising us there was a chariot in the stillness of Heaven that waited for us it was divine to me to look to the east while the sunlight serrated like a blade that was fracturing me desire burned like devastation in me the sublime and the shattered it was divine to me to look towards the east and let the radiance take me

I was cursed I could not say which entanglement had me worse the World watched me before it wrecked me it was a weapon to me the arms of the Darkness beckoned to me I fear that the Darkness was gaining on me it was lame to me how much I needed saving there was wisdom in dissolving my precarious life frozen in Time I surrendered to stillness then I willed that brokenness the gods were weary of us my mind was Somewhere Else Higher Still in my head and only there was I fearless it was a hazard I was gravitating to the World needed grieving I don't remember why it was leaving me I was as an angel felled through the Membrane of the Sky being embodied was a grief to me witnessing was sinking me there was velocity in vanishing the days Went and Went I didn’t know what it meant it was marvelously ridiculous to suppose the universe wanted to finish us I was through and through and yes I fear those things may have killed us it was once or twice that I wanted them to— that Terror nearly felled me that Terror was a dwelling to me the reasons to remain were receding devastation was beside me guiding me a stranger to the universe I was through and through I believed it was essential to my being to be longing for distant things every year I became more distorted I was waiting for the angels to destroy me I was through and through imponderable though it was I felt I had to— I didn’t believe in divine signs it was Divine enough to have a Mind like a moth of death that I was welded to it Destiny was a departure of dreams as if a whale swallowed me it was a membrane of Darkness that I waded through the World had the quality of a daydream like me it was in danger of disappearing my stories of self were shifting even decaying was a grace that betrayed me this existence was like a grave to me imponderable anguish it was World Enough for us it felt divine to—  give up on trying to— the 3am blush sky rushing to dawn I felt it was kind to announce to the World that I was through and through!

The End of the World Was Pleasing to Me

I was a thing that was missing in my head I was a titan in my head I was frightened I was either unsurvivable or a divine thing I felt the victories of fire the passages of Time were incriminating it was divine to me to be witnessing a river of fire in the darkness of this wilderness a token of grace wasted on me what do we do with our lives! what now! why hide! we lived—don't say it was a coincidence—we lived yes I fear existence would Miss us dare I say it I think I was scared of it when that devastation visited us! the end of the world was decided dissolution found me decaying was like a gift to me what was the point of resistance the days I wasted and the days I say they wasted me you were going to destroy me well I was wasting willingly I surrendered myself to stillness I wanted vengeance to end us—yes we lived! I was drunk on it! We lived ! I was sick with it 

The days were always beginning and ending I remembered and it ended me I longed for distant things I was always wanting and there was I grieving for what I don't know it was leaving me the violence of memory the violence was like a ghost to me yes I kept it close to me! everything was collapsing I wanted it perhaps dust and dust it was divine to me reality disenchanting I survived by dreaming do you fear it, the violence of memory? even decay was like life to me Desire burned like devastation in me it was hiding in me I survived by dreaming and when everything collapsed I wanted it perhaps ?

Marguerite Churchill, photographed by Max Munn Autrey, 1930.

The world was dizzying it wouldn't have survived in my dream I love the firelight I love what it tells me to do some days I dream I am what it aspires to I was spiraling with desire for the things I wanted maybe I was dreaming this by living I was agreeing to it was freedom I fear I needed I wanted a chalice of asphalt I wanted a death equal to the absurd devastation a season in hell was like a vacation to me the days in their endless permutations buried me

I can’t look at anything that I’ve written because it makes me want to stab my eyes out. What is the point of even doing anything! Why create! I did write again last night and I wish I hadn’t and I wish I could stop—

the universe wouldn’t last
it was caught in the crossfire of collapse
and yes that devastation weaponized us! 

Beverly Hills from Blue Heights, Photo by Scott B. Davis, 2004

The fragility I feared it needed me the devastation shattered me I wanted to die or I would kill myself trying I felt futility and I let the seasons move me a fever Dream it was a time of grieving it was freedom to me the suffering was kind to me it was Annihilation in a Daydream Desire resided in me it was radiating even insanity was like reason to me Void of opportunities I wanted God to devastate me I rejoiced in the banishing 

I decayed in a doom that darkness bestowed on me yes the world glowed for me and there was I witnessing existence weaponized me I was sick with it, even death seemed a season to me Desire it was irrationality it was a grace that God gave to waste away it was a sinister freedom to which I lost the seasons Desire burned like devastation in me there was danger in hesitating a sprint in Hell was like a vacation to me Desire burned like devastation in me it was quaking in me it was radiance to me it was I that wrestled with He! I dreamt of devastation it dreamt of me and there was I witnessing! It was my destiny that you haunt me and I wanted a release I dreamt of delight I cried out your name into the liquid light 

Was it destiny I feared it might be Time decomposed us and all that violence chose us I wanted to be an immortal it was World Enough for us despair had me in chains I wrestled in the bindings and I longed to be free at the god-gate it was radiance that had changed it was revelation and I was late it was a war that waited on wings for prolonging the brutality the World in its infinite games wasted me the pain was like a guardian to me and I needed to grieve even the cacophony was pleasing to me it was a dream I had I don’t know how to reverse damage Discordance I couldn't bear its torment the danger I fear it rested beside me shelter from a season of storms Chaos I danced with the flux and yes I fear that Devastation witnessed us DESIRE BURNED LIKE DEVASTATION WITHIN ME A SPRINT IN HELL WAS LIKE VACATION TO ME EVEN THE RADIANCE WAS LIQUIDATING THE END OF THE WORLD WAS HESITATING THE INSECURITY WAS LIKE A VIPER TO ME DESIRE WAS LIQUIDATING ME—AND THERE WAS I WITNESSING

The clouds were guessing me you were impossible to please yes even that void was a peace to me perhaps dying was too easy Greed I pretended it was wisdom descent into transcendence mired in disquiet even I wanted to kill us it was radiance I wanted it was radiance I had forgotten the universe I fear it did not hear us it was a fervent eternity that I lost to the seasons and there was I witnessing I gave up on the world so the world gave up on me freedom there was eminence in dying peace it resisted me war would it end us before I surrendered wanting you was haunting me I wanted to bury the past but I fear it remembered us Time bore witness that violence was behind us it was rapture that I sought existence was exhausting desire burned like devastation within me I DREAMT OF DELIGHT I CRIED OUT YOUR NAME INTO THE LIQUID LIGHT

Time devastated me an anger rested in me I had supposed I was free I was a dark continent displaced I was a wavering thing on the verge of disintegrating the end of the world was accelerating I dreamt in dissent radiance—it was pain wasn't it I wanted God to kill us the pressure to be perfect—it was pain wasn't it in the twilight I was a witness I forgot the world was dangerous I thought destroying myself was resistance could you die from wanting both desire and death wore disguises YES I SCREAMED INTO THE SILENCE I dreamt of heights and their hauntings and I fear I wanted—

Time devastated me elation I wanted radiance I danced in the devastation I heard the universe singing decay and doom in single file it was hell rampaging insanity was like reason to me the void was kind to me daylight was frightening the end of the world was glistening it was fate I mean God played us 

On persecution

My heart quickened I resided in violence yes even that VOID was a kindness I screamed into the moon mountains spiral after spiral it was desire I encountered resistance the universe would not listen I was as dead as an artifact Night like a vulture feasted on me even the end of the world was pleasing to me it was violence I wrought and violence I was taught God tried to drown me it was a violence that had found me when Darkness drew its shroud I feared I wanted to be drowned by the black banks of the riverside forsaken the sky was alight with fire fields persecution, I was swallowed by storm season

On vespers

The green country of May held me captive I made a covenant with decay I waited in the wreckage deep in the cradle of darkness do not diminish me God of the wilderness I was sure I was finished I knelt below the bones of the summer stars to meet each apocalypse I resided in violence even that VOID was a kindness Queen of deferment in torment I was resigned to— I felt it was kind to— Vespers a gold-gossamer sunset wrested from me I traced the blooming lightning I fled I fell I followed an eldritch sorrow graceless Dawn and its sharp teeth could not console me I dreamt of delight I cried out your name into the liquid light YES I HEARD THE FOOTSTEPS OF GOD MARCHING ON YES EVEN I WANTED ME GONE IT WAS THAT RECURRING NIGHTMARE THAT SOUGHT ME ON AS IF CRISSCROSSING SOME DARK ISTHMUS YES I WAS SURE I WAS FINISHED THE UNIVERSE WOULD NOT LISTEN I could not bear my imprisonment while the stars scintillated the World was as a Wound, as a system with its pulleys and shifting gears and I feared— summers sibilance my beauty was resistance the dreaming of sepulchral streetlamps like druids of mist and I, I witnessed
I was sure I was finished 

On displacement

I was always doomed by my extravagances. I had this requirement that everything be beautiful and when it wasn’t, I couldn’t survive. My hubris and my insecurity have peaked. Everywhere there was death like a carcass in my wake or a decomposing thing in my embrace I decay I dissipate in gods graces yes I chased it hollowed out with void in my gaze, I was a concubine of Waste and I was waiting for